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Because I'm a man,
When I lock my keys in the car, I will fiddle with a coat
hanger long after hypothermia has set in. Calling AAA is not
an option. I will win.
Because I'm a man,
When the car isn't running very well, I will pop the hood
and stare at the engine as if I know what I'm looking at. If
another man shows up, one of us will say to the other, "I
used to be able to fix these things, but now with all these
computers and everything, I wouldn't know where to start."
We will then drink a couple of beers and break wind, as a
form of bonding.
Because I'm a man,
When I catch a cold, I need someone to bring me soup and
take care of me while I lie in bed and moan. You're a woman.
You never get as sick as I do, so for you, this is no
problem.
Because I'm a man,
I can be relied upon to purchase basic groceries at the
store, like milk or bread. I cannot be expected to find
exotic items like "cumin" or "tofu." For all I know, these
are the same thing. Never, ever, ever ask me to buy feminine
hygiene products. It just won't happen.
Because I'm a man,
When one of our appliances stops working, I will insist on
taking it apart, despite evidence that this will just cost
me twice as much once the repair person gets here and has to
put it back together.
Because I'm a man,
I must hold the television remote control in my hand while I
watch TV. If the thing has been misplaced, I may miss a
whole show looking for it, though one time I was able to
survive by holding a calculator instead (applies to
engineers only).
Because I'm a man,
There is no need to ask me what I'm thinking about. The true
answer is always either sex, cars, tools, sports or food. I
have to make up something else when you ask, so just don't
ask.
Because I'm a man,
You don't have to ask me if I liked the movie. Chances are,
if you're crying at the end of it, I didn't . . . and if you
are feeling amorous afterwards then I will certainly at
least remember the name and recommend it to others.
Because I'm a man,
I think what you're wearing is fine. I thought what you were
wearing five minutes ago was fine, too. Either pair of shoes
is fine. With the belt or without it, looks fine. It does
not make your butt look too big. It was the pasta and
potatoes and margaritas that did that. Your hair is fine.
You look fine.
Can we just go now?
Because I'm a man,
And this is, after all, the year 2007, I will share equally
in the housework. You just do the laundry, the cooking, the
cleaning, the vacuuming, and the dishes, and I'll do the
rest. Like wandering around in the garden with a cool drink,
wondering what to do.
This has been a public service message for women to better
understand men.
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