Children insist
on growing up and
going away. I'm not
happy about that.
Every year I see a
hundred or so high
school seniors off
to the new world
they will make for
themselves as I wave
goodbye from the
old-world dock of
old age. Oh, sure,
there are always one
or two of whom one
can sing "Thank God
and Greyhound you're
gone," but the loss
of most of them is
very painful, very
real, very acute,
and very
forever. And while I
have taught them not
to ever split
infinitives (cough),
which they
immediately forget,
the block form for
business letters,
which they usually
remember, and the
possible symbolism
of
Grendel in Beowulf,
there are always
lots of other little
things I hope they
have learned along
the way.
Here then, Class of
2007 are some
disconnected
factoids I meant to
tell you earlier in
the year, before the
month of May very
cleverly sneaked up
on us:
1. In October you
will return for
homecoming. You will
find pretty much the
same teachers,
school, and friends
you left behind. It
will all seem very
familiar at first.
But you won't be on
the team or in the
band; it isn't about
you anymore, and
that's oddly
disturbing. The same
school that once
nagged you for
tardiness and
absenteeism will now
require you to wear
a visitor's badge if
you show up on a
school
day. By October of
next year, most of
the students in your
old high school
won't know who you
are -- or were. And
they won't care.
You'll just be old
people.
2. Some day
surprisingly soon
you will hear
shrieks of insolent
laughter from your
child's room. You
will find your child
and her friends
mocking your school
pictures: prom,
sports, activities,
field trips,
graduation. Your
every pose, your
hair style, your
clothes, your
friends -- all will
be subject to
scornful dismissal
by a new,
cooler-than-cool
generation. You will
feel very old.
3. Change the oil in
your car more often
than the
manufacturer
recommends.
4. Billy Graham
attended a public
school; Adolf Hitler
attended a Christian
school. Don't obsess
on labels.
5. You are not going
to win the Texas
lottery.
6. T-shirts are
underwear.
7. You're a little
bit too old for a
MySpace. Time to
grow up.
8. When posing for a
photograph, never
hold your hands
folded in front of,
um, a certain area
of your anatomy. It
makes you look
funny, as if you
just discovered that
your zipper is
undone.
9. Have you ever
noticed that you
never see "Matthew
6:5-6" on a sign or
bumper sticker?
10. College is not
high school. Don't
be surprised at
having to learn new
things. A great big
"duh" goes here.
11. Work is not high
school. There is no
such thing as an
excused absence in
adult life. The boss
will not care about
your special needs
or sensitivities or
traumatic childhood,
nor will your
supervisor's
secretary take care
of your collection
of medications and
make sure you take
them on schedule.
12. God made the
world. We have the
testimony of Genesis
that all Creation is
good. Never let
anyone try to tell
you that the world
is evil.
13. Most people are
good, and can be
trusted. But the
two-per-centers,
like hemorrhoids, do
tend to get your
attention.
14. Listening to
radio commentators
with whom you
already agree is not
participating in our
democracy. Voting
intelligently is
participating in our
democracy. Until he
was in his thirties,
Rush Limbaugh never
even registered to
vote in any place he
ever lived. You can
do better than that.
15. Why should
someone else have to
raise your child?
16. "Streetwise" is
an oxymoron. You
don't want to be
streetwise. You want
to be jobwise,
boardroomwise,
moneywise,
investmentportfoliowise,
familywise. And, no,
those words are not
properly run
together like that;
I just wished to
make a point.
17. Your class
ranking is little
more than a seating
chart for
graduation,
reflecting your
performance in a
sometimes artificial
and often passive
situation for the
last four years.
Your future is up to
you.
18. Knowing how to
repair things gives
you power and
autonomy. You will
amaze yourself with
what you can do with
duct-tape, a set of
screwdrivers, a set
of wrenches, a
hammer, and a pair
of Vise-grip pliers.
19. Movies are made
by committees of
thousands of people.
Sometimes they get
it right. Books are
usually written by
one person.
Sometimes he or she
gets it wrong. But
there are lots more
good books than
there are good
movies.
20. Put the 'phone
down. Grasp the
steering wheel
firmly with both
hands. Stay alive.
21. Computerization
increases literacy.
Computerization
makes writing,
sending, and
receiving personal
and business letters
easier. This means
there is no excuse
for lapsing into
sloppy usage or
formatting,
but most people do.
If you always use
the business letter
format I taught you
from the McDougal-Littel
grammar book,
everyone will know
how rare and
wonderful you are.
22. Never drink
beverages from a
can. Insist on a
glass.
23. Some people are
Democrats because
they believe the
Democratic Party is
best at protecting
the rights of the
individual. Other
people are Democrats
because they are
part of the
Socialist /
Communist
continuum who
believe that
government is a
weapon to bludgeon
people into
obedience. Some
people are
Republicans because
they believe the
Republican Party is
best at protecting
the rights of the
individual. Other
people are
Republicans because
they have Fascist
tendencies and
believe that
government is a
weapon to bludgeon
people into
obedience. I don't
know what you're
going to do, but
hiding out in the
woods and refusing
to participate is
not a logical
option.
24. Everyone tells
cheerleader jokes (I
am among the
offenders), but
cheerleaders are
among the most
successful people in
adult life. The
ability to accept
discipline, the hard
work, the physical
demands, the
aesthetics, the
teamwork, and the
refusal to die of
embarrassment while
one's mother screams
abuse at the
cheerleader sponsor
do pay off in life.
25. You are the
"they." You are now
an adult. You are
the government. You
are the Church. You
are the public
school system. You
decide what movies
will be watched (if
not made). You
decide what will be
on the television
screen in your home.
There was no "they"
in high school, and
there is no "they"
now. Your life is
your own -- if you
work at it.
26. Giving back to
the community begins
now. Do something as
an act of service to
humanity -- join the
volunteer fire
department, teach
Sunday school, clean
up the city park one
hour a week, assist
at the
nursing home.
However, if you find
that more evenings
and weekends are
spent at these
activities instead
of raising your
family, learn to say
no to extra demands.
27. Don't bore
people with sad
stories about your
horrible childhood.
No one ever lived a
Leave It To Beaver
or Cosby existence.
And besides, you
might have been the
problem. Get over
it.
28. The shouting,
abusive,1-900-Send-Money
TV preacher with the
bouffant hairdo
strutting about on
the low-prole stage
set while beating on
a Bible and yelling
is not going to come
to the house in the
middle of the night
when your child is
dying, you don't
have a job, and you
don't know where to
turn. Your hometown
pastor -- Chaucer's
Parsoun -- may not
be cool, may not be
a clever speaker,
may not sport a
Rolex watch, and may
not have a really
bad wig, but he's
here for you.
Support your local
congregation. Yes,
yes, the churches
are all full of
hypocrites -- and
isn't that where you
hypocrites need to
be? (I, of course,
am nearly perfect)
However, never say
to anyone "We missed
you in church last
Sunday," because
that's really saying
"I was in church,
and you weren't, so
nanny-nanny-boo-boo,"
and where does that
imperial "we" come
from anyway? God has
not appointed you to
be His attendance
officer.
29. If you insist on
taking your shirt
off in public, shave
your armpit hair. Or
braid it. Or
something.
30. Don't wear a
t-shirt that says
"(bleep)
Civilization" to a
job interview.
31. When someone
asks for a love
offering, offer him
your love and watch
his reaction. He
doesn't want a love
offering; he wants
money. Sloppy
language is used to
manipulate people.
Call things by their
proper names, and
hang on to your
wallet.
32. A year from now
some of you will be
fighting in Iraq or
Afghanistan or some
other horrible place
where the "religion
of peace" is
enslaving people and
planning our
destruction. Thank
you. This
won't stop Michael
Moore from making up
and filming lies
about you, though.
He gets awards from
the French for doing
that.
33. The man's role
at a wedding is
decorative rather
than functional.
Stand where the
women tell you to
stand, do what the
women tell you to
do, say what the
women tell you to
say, and nobody will
get hurt.
34. Couples who
write their own
wedding vows
probably have other
embarrassing
tendencies. The
sixties are over.
35. When you find
yourself facing a
dinner setting with
more than two forks,
don't panic; no one
else knows quite
what to do with
three forks either.
No one's watching
anyway, so just
enjoy the meal.
36. I heard of a
t-shirt (which,
remember, is
underwear) that
comments on the
continued interest
in RMS Titanic with
"The ship sank. Get
over it." The theme
song of the movie is
"My Heart Will Go
On." In your
life lots of
(metaphorical) ships
will sink from under
you. Yes, your heart
must go on.
37. Are you sitting
in the ho-hum middle
at graduation?
Please remember a
certain straight-A
student who never
got into trouble in
school and who was
so good at
mathematics that he
was hired as an
assistant professor
right after his
college graduation.
This brilliant, 4.0,
never-in-trouble
honor student was
Ted Kaczinski, The
Unibomber.
38. A great secret
to success in a job
or in life is simply
to show up.
39. No one ever
agrees on where
commas go. If
someone shows you a
grammar book
dictating the use of
commas one way, you
can find another
grammar book to
contradict it.
40. Most people do
not look good in
baseball caps.
41. There is no such
thing as a
non-denominational
worship service.
42. You will always
be your parents'
child. You may
become a doctor,
lawyer, banker, or,
God help you,
president, but your
mother will still
ask you if you've
had enough to eat
and remind you to
take your
jacket in case the
night turns cold.
And parents are a
constant surprise --
they always have new
knowledge you need
to acquire.
43. Strunk & White's
Elements of Style is
all the English
grammar and usage
book you'll ever
need. If more people
understood that and
had a library card,
every English
teacher in America
would be an
ex-English teacher
standing in line at
the Wal-Mart
employment office.
Keep it a secret,
okay?
44. Remember the
big, bad Y2K Bug,
that booger-man of
horror stories?
Hucksters will
always try to scare
you into buying
stuff. If the
unmarked black U.N.
helicopters /
Captain Kirk / the
Canadians are
going to invade and
/ or beam us all up,
why would you need
50 drums of dried
peas? And what are
the sellers of
survival supplies
going to buy with
your money?
45. According to
some vaguely named
family institute or
some such, raising a
child to the age of
eighteen costs the
family $153,000 and
a few odd cents. The
taxpayers of this
state spend about
$5,000 per year on
each student. Thus,
a great many people
have pooled their
resources and spent
about $213,000 on
you since you were
born. They did not
do this in order for
you to sit around
complaining about
how unfair life is.
Do something.
46. There was never
a powerful secret
society variously
known as "the
preps," "the rich
kids," "the popular
kids," and so on,
just as there are no
unmarked U.N.
helicopters. But if
you ask me, those
guys who play chess
need watching; I
hear that the pawns
were reporting all
your movements to
The Beast computer
in Belgium via
computer chips in
your school i.d.
cards.
47. Thank you notes:
write 'em. It shows
class. You don't
have to pay big
money for
pre-printed notes;
buy notepaper with
pictures (hunting
scenes for the guys;
flowers for the
girls) on the
outside and nothing
on the inside. You
can write; you're a
high school
graduate, remember?
48. Babies cry.
That's not a crime.
However, in public
places, other people
do have a right to
hear a sermon or
attend a movie
without prolonged
yowling. You may
feel awkward about
getting up and
quietly taking the
infant outside; you
shouldn't. When you
discreetly carry
your crying baby
away for a few
minutes to attend to
its needs, other
people are grateful
to you for
respecting both them
and your child, and
are pleased that the
child has such great
parents.
49. The 'K' Award
you should have
received: For
Compassion. While I
must confess that I
was happy to see
some of you on a
daily basis because
that way I was sure
my tires would be
safe, there was
never
one single instance
of any of you taking
any advantage or
being unkind in any
way to those who
were emotionally or
physically
vulnerable. Indeed,
most of you took the
extra step in being
very protective of
the very special
young people who are
blended into the
student population.
There is no
nicely-framed 'K'
award for that
compassion, not
here, anyway, but
even now there is
one with your name
on it on the walls
of a mansion which,
we are assured,
awaits each of us,
in a house with many
mansions. God never
asked you to be
theologically
correct; He asked
you to be
compassionate, and
you were. Keep the
kindness within you
always.
50. Take a long,
lingering look at
your classmates
during graduation.
You'll never see all
of them ever again.
In ten years many of
you will be happy
and honorable.
Others will have
failed life, and at
only 28
will be sad, tired,
bitter old men and
women with no hope.
Given that you all
went to the same
cinder-block school
with the same blinky
fluorescent lights,
suffered the same
old boring teachers,
drove along
the same dusty
roads, and grew up
in the same fading
little town, what
will have made the
difference?
Well, Class of 2007,
it's time to let go.
Thanks for
everything: for the
pictures and paper
balls and pizza and
pep rallies and
recitals and
concerts and games,
for your thoughts
and essays, for your
laughter and jokes,
for usually paying
attention to roll
call ("Focus,
class...
focus...focus...focus..."),
for really thinking
about Macbeth and
Becket and Beowulf,
and those wonderful
pilgrims (who, of
course, are us)
forever journeying
to Canterbury, for
doing those business
letters and resumes'
over and over until
YOU were proud of
them, for wrestling
with iambic
pentameter, for all
the love you gave
everyone around you
every day. Take all
those good things
with you in your
adventures through
life.
And whether we shall
meet again I know
not. Therefore our
everlasting farewell
take: For ever, and
for ever,
farewell...
--Shakespeare,
Julius Caesar,
IV.iii.115-117
-30-
Mack Hall is an old
teacher much like
those of whom he
made much fun when
he was a child.
